Why Control Is Killing Your Leadership (And What to Do Instead)
You’ve mastered the boardroom. But can you master your breath?
I’ve worked with enough high-performing men to know the truth behind the title.
Lawyers. Founders. Executives. They’ve got the tailored suits, the corner offices, the LinkedIn accolades.
And yet? When the pressure hits—when the deal falls through, the kid gets suspended, or the partner says “we need to talk”—these same men morph into time bombs wrapped in charisma. All charm on the outside, all chaos underneath.
And I get it. I’ve been that man.
But here’s the uncomfortable truth:
If your emotional state is still reactive, you’re not leading. You’re performing.
And no amount of control can save you from the collapse that follows.
The Leadership Lie Nobody Talks About
You were probably raised like I was—to value logic over emotion. To be strong, steady, unshakable. To believe that control equals leadership.
So you suppress. You stay agreeable in meetings while seething internally. You push down your overwhelm and call it “being professional.” You drink, scroll, overwork—anything to avoid the volcano under your ribs.
But let me ask you something:
How’s that working?
Do your team trust you, or tiptoe around you?
Does your partner feel you, or just hear “I’m fine” on repeat?
Are you respected—or just feared?
Here’s what I had to learn the hard way:
Control is a cage.
It stops you from saying what you mean. From feeling what’s true. From being known for who you are, instead of just what you produce.
And it will crack eventually. I’ve seen it happen in the hospital room. In the lawyer's office. In the dead silence after “I’m not in love with you anymore.”
From Performer to Leader: My Wake-Up Call
For years, I was the reliable guy. Calm under pressure. Unshakably composed.
But the truth?
I was emotionally bankrupt.
Every room I walked into, I wore a mask so tight I forgot what my actual face felt like. I ran teams and made decisions while secretly unraveling.
The pivot came the day I realized I wasn’t leading anyone—I was managing perception. Trying to control what everyone thought of me while losing touch with the man underneath it all.
It wasn't a strategy shift that changed things.
It wasn’t another book or framework.
It was breath. Stillness. Presence.
It was training my nervous system.
That’s when I stopped faking calm and started being it.
What Real Emotional Mastery Looks Like
Imagine walking into a room on fire—everyone in panic, stakes sky-high.
You don’t bark orders. You don’t freeze. You don’t pretend everything’s fine.
You breathe. You anchor. You respond.
Not because you’re emotionless, but because you’re not ruled by your emotions.
This is emotional mastery.
It’s not sexy. It’s not glamorous. It’s not something you post about.
But it’s the most powerful skill a man can develop—because it changes how people feel in your presence.
Calm is contagious. Grounding is magnetic. Truth is rare, and people follow it when they feel it.
And make no mistake—this isn’t innate.
It’s trained. Just like muscles. Just like strategy. Just like leadership.
The Hidden Cost of “Keeping It Together”
Here’s the trap:
You’re the calm one… until you explode over a text message.
You’re the motivator… while secretly Googling “am I having a breakdown?”
You’re the leader… who feels like a fraud.
That’s because you’re running two full-time jobs:
The actual work.
The emotional performance of pretending you’re fine.
It’s exhausting. And it leaks.
Your team starts watching your tone more than your words.
Your partner stops asking how you’re doing—because they know you’ll say “fine.”
Your kids start mirroring your disconnection.
And here’s the real kicker: when you perform strength, you crack under pressure. But when you build strength from the inside out?
You become unshakable.
How to Stop Performing and Start Leading
So, what do you do?
Here’s where I start with every man I coach:
1. Train Your Breath Before You Train Your Team
Box breathing. 4 in, 4 hold, 4 out, 4 hold.
90 seconds before a meeting.
Feel your feet. Notice your jaw. Slow it all down.
This isn’t self-care fluff. It’s command in action.
2. Get Crystal Clear on Your Code
When pressure hits, you won’t rise to your potential—you’ll fall to your patterns.
So define your values. Write them down. Ask:
“What am I willing to lose to stay true to this?”
If you don’t know, you’ll default to fear. To appeasement. To control.
3. Find Someone Who’s Not Impressed by You
You cannot lead yourself if nobody is willing to call your bullshit.
And let’s be real—your team, your board, your spouse? They’re tired. They’re polite.
You need a coach, a mentor, a brother—someone who sees you, and won’t let you hide.
Not to fix you.
To remind you that you were never broken.
Own the Inner Battlefield
You want to lead with presence?
Then stop outsourcing your stability to status.
Stop faking your way through the day just to collapse at night.
Stop mistaking control for strength.
Start mastering your emotional state.
Because until you lead yourself—you’ll keep performing leadership, not living it.
And that gap?
It’s the difference between a man who commands the room…
And a man who finally feels at home in his own skin.
So here’s the question:
Where are you still reacting, instead of responding?
Name it. Own it. Then lead from there.
P.S. Want to dive deeper? Check out my YouTube video where I break this down.
