The Anxious Avoidant Trap: Why Both Partners Feel Abandoned

You're trying to talk about something that matters. Something real. And somehow, within minutes, you're in completely different conversations.

She says, "I just need to know you're here with me."

You hear: You're not enough. You're failing.

You say, "I just need a little space to process."

She hears: You don't matter. I'm leaving.

Same words. Opposite meanings. No wonder it turns into a fight.

Here's what nobody talks about in anxious avoidant relationships: both people feel abandoned. At the exact same time. In completely opposite ways.

One feels abandoned by a lack of presence. The other feels abandoned by a lack of freedom.

Same moment. Two different realities.

That's why "just communicate better" doesn't work. You're not having the same conversation. You're not even having the same experience of the conversation.

Key Takeaways

• Both partners feel abandoned simultaneously, but in opposite directions. One by lack of presence, one by lack of freedom.

• The pursue withdraw pattern shows up in about 80% of struggling couples. You're not uniquely broken.

• Your attempt to feel safe triggers your partner. Their attempt to feel safe triggers you. You're fighting survival responses, not each other.

• Understanding the pattern is necessary but not sufficient. Your body doesn't care what you know intellectually.

• Change happens at the nervous system level, and it requires working with your partner, not just on yourself.

Want to see this pattern broken down step by step? I cover the full cycle in a video, including why knowing about it still isn't enough to stop it.

This Isn't a Communication Problem

It's a nervous system problem.

When stress hits a relationship, two different survival systems activate.

If you lean anxious, your system says: Danger. I need to connect to feel safe. So you move toward. You reach. You need to know things are okay.

If you lean avoidant, your system says: Danger. I need space to feel safe. So you move away. You withdraw. You need room to breathe.

Here's the trap.

The way you try to feel safe makes your partner feel unsafe. And the way they try to feel safe makes you feel unsafe.

You're not fighting each other. You're fighting each other's survival responses.

And once you're both activated, there's a specific loop that takes over. It's predictable. It's brutal. And you can't stop it if you don't see it.

What This Looks Like in Real Life

Let me show you how this played out for me.

I was in a long distance relationship. She needed to know what our next couple months looked like. When would we see each other? What was the plan?

Completely reasonable request.

But every time she brought it up, I felt this tightness in my chest. Walls closing in. She wanted details, everything mapped out. The more detail she wanted, the more trapped I felt.

So I'd brush it off. "Let's figure it out later." Change the subject.

To me, I just wasn't ready for that conversation. No big deal.

To her? I didn't care. She wasn't important enough to plan for.

So she pushed harder. And I shut down more.

Eventually the word "calendar" alone would make me tense. A Google Calendar invite became a legitimate relationship threat.

That's how deep this goes.

The Loop Broken Down

Here's what's actually happening in these moments.

Something creates stress. Doesn't have to be big. A short text. A missed call. Plans that feel uncertain.

The anxious partner senses distance. Their nervous system sounds the alarm. This isn't a choice. It's automatic. The body reads distance as danger and does what it knows: reach for connection. More texts. More questions. "Are we okay?" "What are you thinking?"

The avoidant partner feels pressure. Pursuit. Walls closing in. Here's what most people don't understand: avoidant partners often feel more during emotional intensity, not less. But they've learned to suppress it. So when their partner reaches toward them, their nervous system doesn't register love. It registers threat.

The avoidant partner withdraws. Shuts down. Pulls away. Maybe gets irritable or picks a fight. Because conflict creates distance, and distance feels safe.

The loop accelerates. The anxious partner feels more abandoned, so they reach harder. The avoidant partner feels more suffocated, so they withdraw further. Each person's attempt to feel safe confirms the other person's deepest fear.

This pursue withdraw pattern shows up in around 80% of couples who are struggling. You're not uniquely broken. You're caught in something almost universal.

The anxious partner thinks: See? I have to fight for love. They'll leave if I don't hold on.

The avoidant partner thinks: See? Relationships are suffocating. I knew I'd lose myself.

Both feel abandoned. Same moment. Opposite directions.

Why Understanding Isn't Enough

Here's the question you're probably asking.

"Okay, I see it now. But I've seen it before. I've read about attachment. I've taken the quizzes. Why can't I stop doing this?"

There's a reason. And it's not what you think.

I knew I was avoidant for years before anything changed.

I read the books. Took the tests. Understood the theory.

And I still kept doing it.

I'd meet someone. Feel the connection. Tell myself this time would be different.

Then she'd get close. Really close. And my body would take over before my brain caught up.

The walls would go up. The attraction would fade. I'd start looking for reasons to leave.

"Maybe I picked the wrong person." "Maybe I have commitment issues." "Maybe I'm just not built for this."

I had a whole internal presentation ready about why each relationship wasn't right. Meanwhile she just wanted to know if I was free in March.

Here's what I didn't want to admit.

I wanted love. I wanted deep connection. I craved it.

But every time I got close to actually having it, I'd pull away. Then I'd feel broken. Like something was fundamentally wrong with me for not being able to receive the thing I wanted most.

The Three Levels Where This Pattern Lives

Here's what I finally understood.

There are three levels where this pattern operates.

Level 1 is cognitive. Understanding what's happening. That's what you've been doing in this article. You can see the loop now. You can name it.

But seeing it doesn't stop it.

Level 2 is emotional. The shame. The old stories. The beliefs underneath the behavior. "I'm too much." "I'm not enough." "Love isn't safe."

Until you process these, they keep running the show.

Level 3 is somatic. This is where your automatic responses live. The shutdown. The panic. The reaching or the running.

This is where the pattern actually changes. But not alone. With your partner.

Most people think they can read enough books, understand enough psychology, and think their way out of this.

You can't. Your body doesn't care what you understand.

It's like trying to do math while being chased by a bear. Your nervous system isn't interested in your thoughts about attachment theory.

But you can retrain how your nervous system responds. You can learn to regulate with each other instead of against each other.

Removing the Shame

So if you've been beating yourself up for knowing better and still falling into the same patterns, stop.

You're not broken. You're not weak. And you're not doomed to repeat this forever.

You've just been trying to solve a nervous system problem with information. And that doesn't work.

The anxious partner isn't needy or clingy. Their nervous system learned that connection equals survival.

The avoidant partner isn't cold or emotionally unavailable. Their nervous system learned that space equals survival.

You're not enemies. You're two nervous systems doing exactly what they learned to do to stay safe.

This is why blame doesn't work. And why "just communicate better" is useless advice when you're both activated.

What Actually Helps

The real shift happens when you stop trying to fix this alone.

It starts with naming the pattern when it's happening. Out loud. To each other.

"I think we're doing the thing."

"My body is activated right now. This isn't really about the calendar."

This creates a small gap between trigger and response. It signals to your partner that you see what's happening. That alone can help their nervous system settle.

Then it requires having conversations before you're triggered. When things are calm. About what each of you needs to feel safe. About what helps in the hard moments. About what makes it worse.

And it requires practice. Not getting it perfect. Just shortening the time between rupture and repair. Learning that conflict doesn't have to mean catastrophe. That you can find your way back to each other.

This work isn't about becoming a different person. It's about building the capacity to stay present when your body wants to run or grab.

That capacity grows in relationship. Not in isolation.

Ready to break the cycle for good? If you're tired of reading about this pattern and want real support in changing it, I work with men 1:1 to build the kind of grounded presence that transforms relationships from the inside out. Apply to work together.